so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
