When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
