Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
