I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
