She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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