dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize