I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
