all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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