my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
