Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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