Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
