Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
