I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
