She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i think my cat just said my name.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
