Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize