We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
