I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize