dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
