I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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