I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize