Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
