This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
