I want to walk on stilts...naked
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
