how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
