The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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