Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
