I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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