i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
