He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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