I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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