There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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