I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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