sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
