shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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