You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You pole danced in your parka.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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