Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
