If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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