My liver just broke up with me...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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