Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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