Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
