Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
