saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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