im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
