I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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