You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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