The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize