God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
