Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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