Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
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