I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
