Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
