it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
