someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
