i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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