i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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