They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
