I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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