I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
