I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
